My soul is overwhelmed.
I use the word overwhelmed because it's the only word that I feel accurately describes what is going on inside of my heart. It's the good kind of overwhelmed – the kind that you feel when there's too much love, affection, or goodness. In this case it's all of those.
Today marks the end of my week with my little ones... true, I've only been filling in the position of full-time nanny while their real nanny has been on a missions trip, but in the past three weeks Jesus has done such a miraculous work in my heart. He taught me how to trust. How to love. How to abide. I walked into this job knowing what my natural tendencies are. I knew that if I didn't start off right I was going to be in a mess... wether the day went badly or not. Because I get frustrated easily, and ticked off easily, and after the second time of me asking you to do something you better be doing it. ;)
No, but really, I was fully aware that even though the littles would be trying at times, my soul would be the real issue. Because that's who I am apart from Jesus. It's an ugly mess.
But in the past three weeks Jesus has done nothing but be faithful. He is so good. When I cry out to Him, He answers me. When I am physically weak, He strengthens me. When I need help with a little guy, He helps. I ask Him almost every day to help me discipline like He disciplines me. Gently, in love. He doesn't raise His voice at me the first time. He speaks in love. And He's teaching me how to walk by the Spirit in every moment. Wether I'm running out the door saying goodbye to my family for the day, or telling a child for the sixtieth time (slightly exaggerated) to not do ____. I have conversations with Him all the time. It's not weird. It's definitely not being "religious". I've met Jesus on such a real, intimate, moment-by-moment level that I don't ever want to be taken from this place. I want to live the rest of my life like this.
Because it doesn't just affect my babysitting. It's affected my joy (in the best way possible). My prayer times (don't even get me started on how wonderful prayer has been lately!). My relationship with my parents and my siblings. My friendships. My thought process. Living life with Jesus is changing me from the inside out. And it's wonderful. Why did I wait until I had a "real reason" to start?
And so, my soul is overwhelmed. By the goodness of my God. By His faithfulness (so much so I sing it to my littles to get them to take their naps). By His love.
Quick insert that popped into my head the other day: no matter how much I love Him, it will never amount to the love He has for me. He poured out all of His love to save someone that will never be able to give Him that much in return. Yet... He did it. *insert heart eye emoji and bawling your eyes out emoji*
I was reading in Psalm 105 this morning, and I couldn't help but shout 'AMEN!' in my Spirit. Because it so resonates with what I'm feeling. Oh, my Jesus. How I love You!
Psalm 105: 1-6