I am captivated. You are simply beautiful. The first time I saw you, I was spellbound. You are so innocent and pure, so untouched. The first time I looked into your eyes, sweet girl, something happened inside of me. Something softened, something longed. I long to hold you, to whisper in your ear, "My precious cousin, what plans your Father has for your young life!" I was mesmerized when I looked at your face. Your big, blue eyes seemed to drink in everything. Young one, do not stop taking things in. Always take in more and more of Jesus. Never stop drinking Him in with your beautiful eyes. You have a wonderful family. Never forget what gifts you were born with. Your siblings, Addison, are a gift from God. Your parents are a gift from Him. They love you, dear one. I love you. You have captured my heart. You have taken a piece of it, and it will always belong to you.
Addison, I love you, and you will always have a place in my heart.
I'm in Oregon. And I'm totally enchanted. Like I could go out into the surrounding forest and find Narnia. Like I am helpless to do anything but just... wait. Wait. That word. Must we wait for so many things? I know we must, but at times I am so impatient. Impatient for Jesus to script my life, my testimony, my love story (okay... I'll have to wait a while on that one :)... all of it. And I just want to blast forward. Enchanting things are happening here. Maybe not physically, but just staring out this picture window, everything seems to be enchanted. Oh, sometimes I wish Narnia was real, because it is SO not satisfying to go and pretend. I long to go out and fight the evildoers and have an adventure... but I already am. In real life. Can real life be enchanted? Perhaps. Pine trees and winding rivers seem to set the stage perfectly. So maybe I've come to the conclusion that enchanting things only happen in Oregon? No no no, of course not.
I'm restless. I woke up at five thirty this morning and laid in bed, staring up at the sky from the skylight. At six I decided to grab my Bible and journal and head to my favorite nook in this huge house. (Maybe the house is enchanted). I turned on the lamp and sat in the oversized chair and opened my Bible. Oh, what a time of shared secrets between my King and I! There are some secrets that He would like to share with you, as well, if you will only go to Him and ask. It's just one of those things, those feelings, of when you are totally enchanted and whimsical-ized.
Christmastime is here in Oregon. Well, it's actually not December, but everything else is here. The lights, the snow, the family... I really do wish I would have bought myself a pair of snow-pants before we left Colorado, because I really want to go out and sled or do something outside! I'm really enchanted now by the softly falling snow. It happened sometime last night, and the snow-fairies brought in their magic (see, I'm thinking enchantedly!). And I want to go be a part of it! I am positive that Mr. Tumnus is out there, waiting to tell me secrets of old Narnia, if only I will don my pink coat and boots and find him. Is there a lamppost somewhere out on my grandparent's property? I would love to find one. But for now I must leave my thoughts and return some other time, perhaps with pictures of my Thanksgivingmas?
PS. What are three of your Christmas traditions? I would love to know!
...where are you?? Winter seems to be eluding Colorado as of right now. It's strange... when I lived in Minnesota the snow would fall and stay there the rest of winter. Here... we had a snowstorm the last week of October, and now it's warm (well... not really. compared to the snowstorm it's warm) and no snow on the ground. Just one of those things to confuzzle my brain! Winter, where are you?
It just happens. You know, the feeling that comes over you when you listen to any epic, moving score or soundtrack? It just happens. It makes me makes me want to fling my arms open wide and just soak up all the... stuff that makes your heart beat wildly. The stuff that makes you feel the way you feel when you listen to the music. That's why my dad got into music. He told me, "When I was around ten or so, I had this urge whenever I listened to an amazing piece of music to fling my arms open wide, close my eyes, and take a deep breath." That's it! That's the feeling! Whenever I listen to my dad's music or any other soundtrack (Narnia, Braveheart, Gladiator, etc.) I get that feeling. It's almost like a yearning to go someplace special and do special things. Like it's calling me. Whenever that happens I feel like there's an empty space in my heart, waiting to be filled by... something. I always want to get lost in it, but at the same time I don't. Would I ever be able to come out? Would I be stuck in that yearning, longing, dreaming state forever? I never allow myself to stay there too long, because then.... I can't stop. I'll be humming melodies even after the earbuds are pulled from my ears. I'll dream of what it would be like to participate in something that deserved such a score. But... it just happens. Does anyone understand this? I'm sure, again, that I'm just rambling. But...
Music has always been there. That feeling has always been there. It is calling. I'm sure of it. So many composers and musicians create music that moves many to tears, laughter, etc. But they don't know why the audience is responding that way. They just are. The audience feels the same way as I do. They just feel like... feeling. The music, they say, seemed to be calling them. Man did not create that calling. God did. He created music, and so forth, that feeling we feel. That calling is Jesus calling, saying, "Don't you see? I am the master musician! I created all of the musical beauty you delight in! Instead of delighting in the creation, why don't you delight in Me??" It's Him. Wanting us to realize that His presence is like that feeling... just this time, you stop yearning and longing for something you don't have, because this new, Heavenly feeling fulfills you. He fulfills you. Will you let Him?
Oh, my! It's one of those days.... you know, like where you want to stay in the kitchen and bake cookies all day, and then curl up with a book, and then take a looooong snowy walk (or ramble, as Jade says...) in my new coat, and then drink a glassful of eggnog? Well, today, that's what I've wanted to do. I mean, I have had an amazing day by itself, which has included an awesome Nathan Johnson sermon, lunch with Jade, Charlie, and David at the best burrito place in town, and being with my great friends the Hartmans. But anyway, I would still like to do all of the things I first mentioned. ;)
It's one of those days when you just want to go and live out a Jade post for at least a few hours. One of those days when 'whimsical' is your favorite word (it has been for a looooong time!) and you're positive that deep down inside an old tree trunk is a fairy village. It's just one of those days, you know? Oh! And did I mention that I am for sure sure that my mom and Jade Vacarcel are long lost sisters? I'm serious! They even wore matching 'Jade coats' today at lunch! :) It's just a day, put with the adjectives 'whimsical, dreamy, mysterious, and happy' all combined. You know?
Maybe I'm just rambling through my sea of thoughts. Maybe I'm just trying to get rid of drafts (I'm down to three!!!). I'm almost positive it's the former. It's almost like a little bit of Narnia and a little bit of Jade's whimsical-ness combined themselves and decided I was to be the recipient. :) And I also would love to go back in time and participate in something like a Jane Austen novel or movie. And then go for a long walk with Mr. Tumnus, listening to all that Narnia had once been. Am I talking nonsense? I'll bet I am. I'm just having to let all my dreams and wishes out in this little white webpage, if not anywhere else! Maybe...
Did you know that there has been a dream in my sea of thoughts ever since I was four years old? At four, I was going to go to China and pour out my life for the lost. That dream has never faded. Oh, it has gone and hidden itself at times, but it always, somehow, pops back up. One of my good friends was supposed to go to China a few months ago, and suddenly... POP! There was my dream. I saw myself caring for lost souls, and pouring out my life, all over again. Some dreams never disappear, you know?
Oh, my, I'm sure you're tired of all these... random words randomly pulled from my brain. But as you're actually at the bottom of my post, I'm sure you haven't minded going deep into my sea of thoughts... right?
"God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him."
How true this quote is! I wonder how many times we've gotten in the way of God's best for us and have then complained about our best? Well, many, many times in the past few years I have wanted my best, and yet, my parents would say, "We don't think this is God's best for our family." And we would move on. Well, we have been looking at houses in Colorado to live in, and every time there was something wrong with the house, and mom and dad would announce, "We don't think this is God's best for our family." And I would nod, but inwardly complain, "Why can't this be the house? It's perfect! And I even get my own bedroom!!!" I was sure my best was our family's best. I always thought the next house would be awful; the previous one was it. I wasn't confident God would provide His best. Then we would move on to the next house. Same thing. Anyway, one day we go up to look at this little, two bedroom A-frame house on 4.8 acres. At the same time we were inside it, two trucks pulled up, both holding interested couples! Now I was getting nervous. We're on top of a mountain, looking at a little house, and two people come looking at it, too?! Well, we went home praying as a family. My dad made an offer on the house, and the bank accepted. My grandparents came down from Oregon to look at it and measure it, and so forth. We have a house!!!! We'll build onto it sometime next year, but we have a house! It was God's best for us! On 4.8 acres!! Can you imagine if we would've bought the very first house we saw? We would've never found this house! Jesus loved us so much to give us His best and provide for us. Thank you, Jesus!
I'm staring out my window at the softly falling snow (again) and am totally awestruck by the fact that my God is so perfect, and second of all, that I am totally not. How this truth has manifested in me many, many, countless times before! It's where you set out to accomplish something and very, very soon you end up pouting and crying out to whoever will listen, "Why can't I do this?!" It's a thing I'm learning almost daily .... actually, let's make that daily :-). For the past several years, almost all my life, I have struggled with being perfect. Doing my schoolwork perfectly, doing the laundry perfectly, cleaning my room perfectly, etc. In days past, a day never went by when I wouldn't try to do things perfectly. I'm not kidding! My mom and dad would park me on the couch or chair, look into my tear-filled eyes (from not being able to be perfect, you see), and say firmly, "Kate, you are not perfect. We don't expect you to be. Just do your best, and know that we love you and think you do everything just fine." Well, I would nod along, say "yes sir, yes ma'am" (I was born in the South), and go on trying to be perfect. In my way of thinking, 'just fine' wasn't enough! In my little girl mind, my parents told me that 'just fine' was good, when in reality they wanted perfection.
Isn't that how so many of us view our Heavenly Father??
I have just gotten it. After years of my parents telling me that they did not expect perfection (and not to mention my experience shouting, "Don't do it! You'll just mess up again, trying to do it on your own!"), I have just gotten it. I got it!
Jesus is the answer.
Now before you sigh and click the red 'X' button on the top of the webpage, let me tell you this: Jesus really, truly is the answer! He does not expect us to be perfect. For heaven's sake, we're human! What do you expect? Jesus does not want us to feel like we need to be perfect. We don't have to be. Just trust and believe. In Him. God created us just the way we are. He doesn't want us to try to be the 'perfect little Children of God'. And yet, He does. He does have a very, very high standard that none of us can reach. There's a little label on that bar, called 'Perfection'. Oh no, we think. He just told us that we don't have to be perfect, and now.... this? He has an answer to this too. Jesus is the answer. He shed His precious blood on the Cross so that we might attain the bar! So that we might actually reach... perfection! We must get in Him. When we get to Heaven, God will not see us if we are in His Son. He will see His Son, who is a perfect, holy, righteous King. And He will allow us to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. This so baffles me! Even more so is when I'm trying to be perfect in my own strength, then ask Jesus to help, and He does!
So friends, have a stress-free day full of His many blessings! You'll feel like this in Him!!